Snippets

Defeat and Resurrection

Well after working so hard on a scholarship application  I have realized that even if you put in the minimal effort into something you get slapped in the face only to realize that it really wasn't worth fighting for.

Maybe because of it I've been having one of the most awful years. Especially this past month, and it seems that every month I say that. I had an emotional breakdown or even panic attack one night. I was snappy and angry with everyone. Plus, family problems and work related issues seemed to affect me. I couldn't deal with all the pressure and it was really starting to affect me. I would even come home and though I knew I had to work on this I would put it off because I would just get so uptight and angry. That's definitely not a way to go about things.

This was one scholarship I wanted and thought I could get but everyday there was a new surprise. One more document that I didn't have and couldn't get. But, once I admitted defeat everything seemed clearer. I just knew I didn't have what I needed this year to get it. I didn't want to turn in something I wasn't happy with. Perhaps that's a huge mistake, but I know, in my heart, it was the correct thing to do.

Now, after pushing everything having to do with that particular scholarship aside I have gained some perspective and not everything is lost.

First of all....I have a kick ass essay that I can use for other scholarships. I still have two this spring, and one coming up at the end of the year. All of these I know I am better suited for. I am really happy with the work and with the plan I have to offer. This helped me get into the mind set I want before I start my program. I not only did more research but I kept an ear out for more information. I started reading more work and even came into contact with a few peers. Specifically one writer who I hope to collaborate with the future. Now, if I could only have more Mexican contacts that would be wonderful.

I realize that I need to plan, read instructions, and manage stress in a healthier way. It helps to have friends, hobbies, and an attentive ear but I also can't dump my issues on them.

So basically, the lessons learned from this experience are these

1. Do not take people or things for granted
2. Plan ahead in order to have time for everything but know that it does not mean you can procrastinate
3. Chill but don't hide from your problems by burrowing yourself in lives of fictional characters. 
4. Go with your gut. If something does not feel right to you then don't do it. Trust yourself. 
5. Own your mistakes and your decisions. Things will sort themselves out. 
6. Do not excuse your behavior

The feeling of not doing something because of irrational fear is totally different from not doing something because you do not feel its right for you. Sure, doing scary things is fantastic! It takes you out of your comfort zone. But, that's not what I am talking about here. I'm talking bout those moments when you know in your heart that its not right and even though you go through with it you realize that you've been making excuses all along because you just can't take the responsibility of making your own decisions.

Finally, I realized that I overthink things and I am overdramatic as a result. I found myself thinking of a thousand ways something was just not going to turn out right. I got called out on being negative about every situation. I knew then that I had a problem. I am usually pretty positive human.

So, last night I went out with friends. We talked, a lot. I found myself talking about everything that's to come and how excited I am to start fresh, again. I realized I have nothing to be scared about. I should be worried but not so much that it'll consume me. Not so much that it makes me lose perspective.

I need to remember ahimsa on a daily basis so that I don't forget to take things as they come and that if I try and do everything at once I'll not only hurt myself but those around me.

Lesson learned friends.