Snippets

Well after working so hard on a scholarship application  I have realized that even if you put in the minimal effort into something you get slapped in the face only to realize that it really wasn't worth fighting for.

Maybe because of it I've been having one of the most awful years. Especially this past month, and it seems that every month I say that. I had an emotional breakdown or even panic attack one night. I was snappy and angry with everyone. Plus, family problems and work related issues seemed to affect me. I couldn't deal with all the pressure and it was really starting to affect me. I would even come home and though I knew I had to work on this I would put it off because I would just get so uptight and angry. That's definitely not a way to go about things.

This was one scholarship I wanted and thought I could get but everyday there was a new surprise. One more document that I didn't have and couldn't get. But, once I admitted defeat everything seemed clearer. I just knew I didn't have what I needed this year to get it. I didn't want to turn in something I wasn't happy with. Perhaps that's a huge mistake, but I know, in my heart, it was the correct thing to do.

Now, after pushing everything having to do with that particular scholarship aside I have gained some perspective and not everything is lost.

First of all....I have a kick ass essay that I can use for other scholarships. I still have two this spring, and one coming up at the end of the year. All of these I know I am better suited for. I am really happy with the work and with the plan I have to offer. This helped me get into the mind set I want before I start my program. I not only did more research but I kept an ear out for more information. I started reading more work and even came into contact with a few peers. Specifically one writer who I hope to collaborate with the future. Now, if I could only have more Mexican contacts that would be wonderful.

I realize that I need to plan, read instructions, and manage stress in a healthier way. It helps to have friends, hobbies, and an attentive ear but I also can't dump my issues on them.

So basically, the lessons learned from this experience are these

1. Do not take people or things for granted
2. Plan ahead in order to have time for everything but know that it does not mean you can procrastinate
3. Chill but don't hide from your problems by burrowing yourself in lives of fictional characters. 
4. Go with your gut. If something does not feel right to you then don't do it. Trust yourself. 
5. Own your mistakes and your decisions. Things will sort themselves out. 
6. Do not excuse your behavior

The feeling of not doing something because of irrational fear is totally different from not doing something because you do not feel its right for you. Sure, doing scary things is fantastic! It takes you out of your comfort zone. But, that's not what I am talking about here. I'm talking bout those moments when you know in your heart that its not right and even though you go through with it you realize that you've been making excuses all along because you just can't take the responsibility of making your own decisions.

Finally, I realized that I overthink things and I am overdramatic as a result. I found myself thinking of a thousand ways something was just not going to turn out right. I got called out on being negative about every situation. I knew then that I had a problem. I am usually pretty positive human.

So, last night I went out with friends. We talked, a lot. I found myself talking about everything that's to come and how excited I am to start fresh, again. I realized I have nothing to be scared about. I should be worried but not so much that it'll consume me. Not so much that it makes me lose perspective.

I need to remember ahimsa on a daily basis so that I don't forget to take things as they come and that if I try and do everything at once I'll not only hurt myself but those around me.

Lesson learned friends.

So today I finally got my Fulbright Gateway Program date. I'll be at UC-San Diego from Aug 11th to the 15th, then from there I'll probably go straight to American University in DC.  I just realized this will be a cross country trip...oh my.

I'm not quite sure what to expect from the Gateway Program but it just seems like a wonderful networking activity for all the Fulbright Scholars and a nice intro to the next two years. There's probably a free t-shirt in there somewhere...

So for now I still have a few scholarships to work on but that'll be over in a couple weeks. After that I will quit my job! Then start planning some summer travel in Mexico and then my whole trip/transition to DC.

I've decided that I will incorporate a vlog starting at my Fulbright Orientation in July. This will be uploaded through my YouTube channel so you guys can see what I am up to and meet all the wonderful people that come across this journey. Of course I'll also be posting on this blog.

I am happy  that things are shaping up, of course not without its bumps.

In the midst of all of this scholarship application business I have tried to make sometime for some "me" time. I realized that since all the chaos started in January I gradually started losing my commitment with weightloss, a healthy lifestyle, and well...myself. And in the need for some balance I decided I needed to take some time to do this for myself.

Photo by @anasbarros or @gui_ on Instagram. Follow them!!!

I've restarted Zumba and Yoga. YouTube has been the most helpful tool EVER! Go YT! I follow Yoga with Adriene and Bad Yogi for my yoga practice. Both woman are insanely motivational and down to earth. I love that Adriene's motto is "do what feels good". It especially helps on those days when I stumble through a simple flow. For Zumba I don't particularly follow anyone. I just look for full length classes and find something that fits my mood. I find that even if I don't like the initial routine I end up getting into the groove of the class. If I absolutely cannot then I just switch to another video.

I've also started doing more everyday make up. Ever since I started this "office" job as a graphic designer I felt like I needed to spruce up my look. I still only use a few products but I after watching Tanya Burr, Zoella, Alli Trippy, and various others on YouTube I realized I was using the products in the wrong way. Well maybe not completely but I can now do a lot more with the same things. I've learned new techniques and I've picked up a few things on skin care. Maybe I'll do a post on this at some point.

Ha! I never thought I'd like make up...on me! I've always wanted to be a makeup artist. Ever since I discovered the Benefit counter at Marshall Fields way back in the day. Still I don't feel like I've lost any integrity. I dunno...

Not everything is always happy, exciting, or fun whilst trying to start an MFA. Though I'm over the biggest hurdle (getting accepted) there are still many things left in the process. Honestly I feel like I am at the worst point right now but I am trying my best to keep things in perspective and just going with the flow.

It seems that for the past five months I've done nothing but write various versions of personal statement, proposed thesis, motivations for study. These essays at some point, just start to sound the same and they get all jumbled in my head. Partly because I am frustrated to write yet another essay on the same topic and not be able to start working on these projects. I just want to start. It also doesn't help that I left my camera at my parents home this past year. I didn't want to risk losing or harming the equipment while I lived in Querétaro. I thought that my current job would motivate and keep me busy enough to not miss it. The reality is that I miss my hands on the camera. On the plus side, I now have my external hard drive full of photos that I have not uploaded or worked on. Hopefully after all this is over I'll have some time before July to work on them.

Why so many essays? Well I have been applying for extra funding. I have applied to the Jumex scholarship and am in the process of applying to FONCA-CONACYT (Fondo Nacional para la Cultura y las Artes) AND SEP (Secretaría de Educación Pública), both from the Mexican government. I actually don't know if I should apply to FONCA this year. I feel a little unprepared. Well, no not uprepared, I just feel like my submission will be stronger next year in terms of what they ask for. Then again, I should just try this year, I can always re-apply. No harm, no foul.

There's still so much left in the process on the road to an MFA. I still have to get my J1 Visa, find housing, furnish said housing option, move to DC, find airfare and tickets to DC, quit my current job, move out, and pack. On the Fulbright end of the spectrum there's still the Orientación de Despedida at COMEXUS and the Fulbright Gateway Program. Those are two things I am very excited for! Anyway, all of this before July 11th/a month and a half-ish. Can you see why I am freaking out?

How I wish I had a million dollars. The next step in the graduate school process was determining the best fit in terms of finances. To wich, at this point, I have nothing. I'm not bankrupt but I half jokingly state that my net worth is $0. Half jokingly.

Because of this I had to decline acceptance into USC. I waited for a scholarship from the department and even begged for a TA position, but nothing came up. Without their help I still had to come up with around 10G for the year, for two years and figure out how to pay 33+G for tuition only for my third year. This came to a total of 50G for three years plus living expenses. Basically...too much money I do not have.

As for Miami and SCAD, I still haven't heard back and American University graciously extended my deadline to April 30th. Unfortunately, without scholarships from either school, I will not be able to attend.

American University did offer a Merit Scholarship and a TA position. This definitely helps! I only have to put in about 2G a year for two years. Though, I may extend it to three years in order to get an MFA, but one step at a time.

Even after all of this I still had to spend a lot of time calculating costs. At one point it felt like studying for the GRE again. But, if anything, for all those of you who are going through the process, I leave you with these tips, financially speaking.

1. Spend a lot of time on the schools website to figure out the cost of tuition, fees, books, required equipment, etc.

2. If you can't find that info on the website turn to sites like Peterson's, College Calc they usually have a general idea of what certain things cost and it may help you round out your excel spreadsheet.

3. Create an excel spreadsheet, be it by hand or on an actual digital document. I started mine digitally but, alas, I am old school and felt better writing things down. Later, I sorted out my mess and did put things digitally.

4. Talk things over. Ask family, friends, S.O.'s, about costs. After all they may have a better idea. For example, I have family that lives in DC (well in Silver Spring) and I asked them for a guesstimate on grocery expenses, rent, etc for the area. This really came in handy when filling out supplemental scholarships.

5. Don't give up! Look for other financial opportunities. Though I have an amazing scholarship, having won one already makes me a likely candidate to win another.

I wish you guys the best of luck and well...let's keep things going!

After four months of sticking with a No Poo health care regimen...I've stopped.
Finally after the transition period I enjoyed about a month of amazing hair. No dandruff, soft, sort of shiny. When I say amazing, I mean I was really happy with my hair. More than I had in a long time. Yet, at some point, my dandruff came back, less but still. I also had really oily hair. No matter if I brushed daily, or twice daily. I then decided to go Low-poo. I chose Organix as the shampoo and conditioner, a bit pricey but probably worth it. Knowing that when I moved to the US I would start using the Whole Foods body care line. Sulfate and paraben free as an added bonus.

For now I've had some issues in terms of oilyness and dryness. But I think I just have to stick to an every other day rhythm. I may also try to condition my scalp. I think its the thing that has suffered most in all of this. We'll see how that goes.

I guess my hair is just gonna have to suffer until I am stable again. I think that stress, dehydration, and instability have not only aggravated my hair but my health in general. This leads me to my next point...getting back to my exercise routine from the end of last year. I'm going to get back to daily yoga and zumba at least three times a week. But before that I'm going to start slow. First daily yoga, crunches, and zumba once a week. Then twice a week, then three times a week. From now until May 1st I'll do yoga sequences from here and there. Starting May 1st I'll start the Erin Motz 30 day yoga challenge. From there I'll re-calibrate and see where I am at.

I'll try and keep a daily journal of the changes I experience and some sort of motivation. I may not keep it online. I still don't know what the best route will be. I just...I need to. I don't feel good and I know I have the interest and passion to do it. To change my body into a healthier version of what I know it can be. Kind of like the sculptor, I want to have my external body reflect my internal thoughts and vision sof who I am and who I feel I can be. A little wishy-washy and cheesy but, that's where I am.